Today I learned what a listicle is, in this brilliant poem by David Moser.
Well, apparently I knew what it was, I only didn’t realize it had a lovely little moniker that rhymes with lesser chatted about parts of a man’s anatomy…
I promptly decided I needed to share my own sage, well-honed advice on relationships that will change your entire world, in only five easy steps.
Since my recent return to Medium, I have noticed a rather alarming influx of some pretty preposterous (yet also disturbingly, and irresistibly clickable) listicles. So many, in fact that I find myself increasingly annoyed at my inability to resist such obvious clickbait that won’t change my life at all…
Or will it? Dammit.
“10 Ways to Lose 50 lbs. in 10 Days That Don’t Involve a Colonic!”
“7 Dietary Changes that Will Make you Shit Rainbows Forever!”
“6 Forbidden Fruit Phrases if you Want to Get Laid Tonight!”
(Note excessive use of exclamation points as a direct attack on the FOMO meter.)
Without further bravado, I humbly offer my own contribution to solving all of your relationships issues:
- The Thing.
You know the one. That thing that you do that annoys the pants off of your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/best fuck buddy that you keep doing, regardless of how much they bitch and moan about it.
The thing, that makes them wrench their face into weird contortions, making you doubt your own, suddenly distant memories of when you happily fell for them to begin with.
How could I…love that?
Newsflash #1 — STOP. I repeat. Stop doing The Thing. You’re welcome.
2. The Alter Ego.
Look. We all like Batman. He’s sexy, mysterious, and we all like a slightly bad, good guy who kicks ass and always wins in the end. Problem is, you’re not Batman. Stop pretending. I get that we all want to put our best foot forward, especially at the beginning of the OMFG! This is IT! relationship, but stop going overboard. Don’t act like you’re Crème Brulee when you’re really just vanilla pudding.
Hate to break it to you, but you’re not probably not even Swiss Miss.
Newsflash #2 — Take the mask off, and be your own damn self. You’ll feel much better in the long run. Trust me. Robin was one sexy mutha too.
3. Sometimes, take the advice.
Dr. Phil is not just a big, bald guy with an unfortunate accent. I will admit, in the past I have listened to him prattle on. A little. As much as I could tolerate before his ‘tellin’ it like it is’ spiel was enough for me. There was one takeaway that I got from him. Quit blaming people. Other people do not make you angry/sad/act like a douche. You do that. It is completely your choice to get cranked up tighter than a hornet stuck in a beehive.
Newsflash #3 — Instead of getting sucked into the vortex of the Blame Game, dare to kick your ego down a couple of notches by practicing these words:
“When you do X, I feel Y.”
Yes, I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but it works.
Put the emphasis on your beloved, Mr. Hyde-like lover’s actions, not unleashing a Kraken’s worth of insults you’ve been saving up to attack their character. Since all that happens after that is you — alone in the hive, playing solitaire with a shitload of honey you don’t drink.
4. Even the Hulk lost sometimes…
Relationship disagreements aren’t meant to be drawn out, bloodied death matches; ending with one victor lording over the other in a fist pumping, Gladiator-style gloat fest. If you’ve had a fight, say the three words.
Here’s a tip: Don’t say them like you’re hurling ninja stars. Throw away the fucking score card. “Well, I’ m not saying it until he says it first.”
Seriously people. Get over yourself. This isn’t first grade.
Newsflash #4 — Apologize. Don’t wait until it’s too late. We don’t need One Republic writing any more songs about it. You’re welcome for the earworm.
Eleven years since this song and it has devastated more eardrums and relationships than Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (Put a Ring on It).
5. Let’s Get It On
If you gain nothing else from this article, pay attention to this last one.
We all want to be loved, and to give love. We’ve all got issues. Some are bitty, whiny baby issues because we haven’t grown up yet. (This applies equally to both men and women alike.) Some are big, huge boulder-sized issues that you need to have the patience of a saint to put up with. Either way, you’re in it deep with this person because of love.
So when you’re pissed to the high heavens about something stupid, or something that it easily resolved (hello, talking!), then there may be another, less obvious anomaly in the room that no one’s talking about.
It’s called lust. When we’re mad, upset, feeling lonely, frustrated, or misunderstood, many times the last thing we’ve thinking about is getting our freak on. Yet the lust factor doesn’t go away on its own, and only serves to heighten even the most minor problems.
You know I’m totally right on this.
Newsflash #5 — Sex solves all minor relationship issues.
(Note the use of the word minor. You’ll have to read another listicle if you were expecting something deep here. I can recommend at least five that won’t change your life whatsoever.)
Get naked, take one for the team, and show this person why you love them. Make it memorable, not the dumb argument that got you here. At the very least, the next day you should both have serious bedhead and severe cravings for Eggs Benedict with strong coffee. Perhaps two Advil, but I digress…
A quick recap for the slow learners:
If you can quit being a douche, get over your Batman Syndrome, stop thinking you are the Supreme Ruler of the Universe (it ain’t all about you, Buttercup), say your words (and be nice about it), and get over yourself again —
Your visit to Freakytown will always end in a happily ever after.
P.S. You can send me a thank-you card. Tomorrow. :)